5/5/2013.

I'm sorry. Life just screams at me to stop everything and let go but I. Just. Can't.

I don't understand how I make things so difficult for myself either.

Fell into my own abyssal trap again. No amount of stupidity could go this far; I'm starting to think I really am hopeless in handling my emotions. I just can't be with a person who seems to understand me without wanting to throw everything I have at that person.


I can't afford to lose anything else. I've lost my family, my confidence, my heart. The only thing left are my friends, and I'm gradually losing those too.



I managed to turn myself away from everything for so long; ignore all the pain; bandage all my bleeding wounds; be myself in a different way. I can't risk anymore of my heart, it's battered, blue and nearly dead. But is it worth revealing the last of this heart, in the hopes I could get it healed? Is it worth showing how much I truly care?

Is it because you're different from the rest? I never had a person willing to look past who I seem to be on the outside, ignore my mistakes, heck, I haven't had somebody who could make me feel guilty about how I treat my mum before. Maybe you don't see things the way I do, but I still really appreciate how you're willing to talk to me. And you're somebody I can look at in the eyes without feeling down, without feeling pointless and looked down on.

How much could go wrong if I make a wrong decision? What am I fighting for? A person? Love? Happiness?



I can't hold back my tears. After these years, maybe nobody will ever see how close I am to the edge. There's too much at stake; but too little to show for it.
Tell me what should I do? I'm at a loss. I could go on with my own facade and pretend everything is fine. I've been doing it all this time anyway. After all, what's another part of my soul compared to the happiness of others, which has all this time been my highest priority?




















I'm no noble Dumbledore. I won't recover from any more bad choices.