Just got chased out of history class (I wanted to be chased out anyway, so I could do math) and I'm apparently supposed to be doing a history essay, but I'm in such a fascinatingly stonetastic mode today that I won't bother.

Did more stupid things yesterday night, probably incurred even more problems. But I can hardly find the energy to care anymore, because people just take things for granted.

For the record, I really think that I'm one of the nicest people around. I value all my friends in one way or another, many of whom I won't hesitate to throw my life away (its a sum game of "my life is worth nuts" and "they're people I value"). But it's when you realise that people don't think along these lines that shit can get real.

I made a promise after BT1 and BBI that I would focus my efforts on my studies and try and rescue everything I left behind. But the flood of academic failure, immense workload, expectations, promises, emotions is adding up to a life crisis I would've thought unimaginable until I grew older. I'm slowly sinking back into my mentality before JC, that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just stumbling along in hopes of everything working out.

I don't like crying and I hardly am able to bring out tears. When I'm sad, I feel dry and drained. How do you cry and "let go" when you have no energy left to do so?

Anyhow, a hearty congratulations to those who managed to land me in this state over the past year and a half. I sincerely hold no grudge of any sort nor blame people anything, because everything is genuinely my problem - but this has made me understand that I cannot rely on friends the way I want to. It's not going to be a life lesson thou - just another factor that will add on to my already numerous woes with regard to humanity.