... a painful process.
Yes, life's supposed to be full of challenges, but when you don't come out of each challenge feeling stronger but rather with an embittered self-worth it takes its toll on you.
Is it because I'm not worth the attention or because I'm just that useless? Surely if there was some value in it you would go for it. I wish I could easily and painlessly break apart those bonds that soured or became ill-fated.
I nearly nearly nearly got the day of BBI semi-finals wrong (thank goodness I didn't) but on the bright side it was a motivational point to do well for it, now we actually stand a fighting chance! I did up a pretty troll powerpoint and it impressed the judges quite a bit (I don't even know why they are considering our idea)
I'm better now after a couple or so weeks. It can get pretty scary at times though, I hope I can keep repressing it for as long as possible.
The amount of physical stress on the other hand is reaching sky high levels. The horrible weather, mounds of work, backlogs on my scheduling for studies and failure to complete things to my expectations is building up into self denial; at some point I'm going to break soon.
Still, some things in life that will always jumpstart you again!
The following note may be highly immature in the eyes of some. You may judge me as you like, but I plead for you to understand that unless you have been through this, you will not realise how immensely heart-breaking it is for me and the few other people out there with parental distress and emotional scarring. As for those who are celebrating a normal mother's day this year, please treasure her and love her for eternity, for you cannot see how blessed and lucky you are :)
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At this time last year, I penned a long letter to try and show my appreciation for this person, and to tell her that while I understand her concerns and everything she has done, sometimes its best to let me handle myself as I am aware of what I want and I try hard.
But this year, I just have no motivation to give her anything. I remember two days after, I fought with her bitterly and shouted myself hoarse at her that I regret giving her the card. Harsh and mean as that is, unless you are standing in my shoes you will probably not understand how it feels like.
Some of you may believe that even though your parents may be unreasonable at times, they still love you and it can be seen through their actions. And some of you believe that they always have the best in mind for us and therefore they should be respected.
But there are so many assumptions with these views. Being unreasonable at times is not the same as being un-reasonable MOST OF THE TIME. It's not only frustrating, annoying, confidence-breaking, anger-inducing, misery-inculcating and all the other descriptors - it's downright devastating to a person who faces emotional pain on a regular basis. When she doesn't realise how much suffering I go through, doesn't see it, or doesn't understand, I truly lose all my hope in her.
Sure, love can be shown through other actions. She does more than a parent is expected to do - she's a housewife so she does my laundry, cooks, gives me pocket money, excessively helps me with things long past the respective age of provision, like packing my bag, checking my work, doing up my uniform, etc. Some would say she's the best parent in the world on these accounts alone. But if love was shown through actions of excessive (yes, I believe myself capable of packing my bag and preparing my uniform etc therefore it is "excessive") responsibility and not through emotional guidance and appreciation, then you must understand that people who don't get the other kind of love, won't be able to appreciate it. You can't expect a child to love his parent over the fact that he/she does everything "significant" for you - the logibody c is compromised when the intention is similar to that of a rich parent buying their children gifts instead of spending quality family time with them!
I wish so much that I can shower her with my words of thanks and all the things buried at the bottom of my heart, crushed by all the misery I have felt under her "care" for 17 odd years. I wish I can call her "mum" without having the words stuck in my throat, wish I can speak to her on an emotional level without feeling like I'm being strangled to death.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not cold-hearted, I love my dad and other family members to bits, especially my dad, who's been providing for the family for so many years while never uttering a word of complaint, bringing me to school dutifully every morning and giving me words of love and simple advice. It's ironic that while my dad can speak only chinese and my mum can speak both english and chinese, that I will always love speaking to my dad (those who know me will understand how horrendous my chinese can be). I even love some of my friends more than her, though.
Maybe the expectation of growing up into a responsible, mature adult will allow me to appreciate all that my mum has done for me in the past decade. But for this year, I will no longer compromise on how I feel about her, because no matter what kind of connection it is - be it friendship, family bonds, teachers, strangers - mutual respect is the foundation for communication and that is something she completely fails to understand. Until the day where she finally realises that she has personally torn apart the heart of her own son will I be able to forgive her, and forgive myself for writing this painful piece.
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... that I still have people to help and support me through my tough times.
Huangcheng was amazing :) Perhaps not as good as last year, but it was full of wonderful surprises anyway. Had the chance to laugh and be with my friends, people whom I have been neglecting (mentally) in some way of another. They're wonderful people, I just wish we were more fated to spend more time together.
Just got chased out of history class (I wanted to be chased out anyway, so I could do math) and I'm apparently supposed to be doing a history essay, but I'm in such a fascinatingly stonetastic mode today that I won't bother.
Did more stupid things yesterday night, probably incurred even more problems. But I can hardly find the energy to care anymore, because people just take things for granted.
For the record, I really think that I'm one of the nicest people around. I value all my friends in one way or another, many of whom I won't hesitate to throw my life away (its a sum game of "my life is worth nuts" and "they're people I value"). But it's when you realise that people don't think along these lines that shit can get real.
I made a promise after BT1 and BBI that I would focus my efforts on my studies and try and rescue everything I left behind. But the flood of academic failure, immense workload, expectations, promises, emotions is adding up to a life crisis I would've thought unimaginable until I grew older. I'm slowly sinking back into my mentality before JC, that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just stumbling along in hopes of everything working out.
I don't like crying and I hardly am able to bring out tears. When I'm sad, I feel dry and drained. How do you cry and "let go" when you have no energy left to do so?
Anyhow, a hearty congratulations to those who managed to land me in this state over the past year and a half. I sincerely hold no grudge of any sort nor blame people anything, because everything is genuinely my problem - but this has made me understand that I cannot rely on friends the way I want to. It's not going to be a life lesson thou - just another factor that will add on to my already numerous woes with regard to humanity.
I once had two friends who were together. They seemed like the epitome of friendship and love, always together, looking out for each other, sharing their time, laughing, comforting each other, everything you would expect soulmates to do.
Now, it looks like they're going to break up soon.
Life is such a tragic thing. Even the beautiful things in life one day fade away and leave behind an empty, dark shell, devoid of the happiness that once filled it. To be honest, I've seen enough of this myself to know that it's not unusual, but it saddens me so much. On a personal level, the fact that they may not make it is even more damaging to me, since I haven't even gone as far as where they have been and I already feel hurt.
Is this how love is like?
Maybe people quote "sacrifice" "commitment" amongst other things, but I question these ideas now. It seems all so superficial to expect a form of giving in something a simple as happiness in the presence of others. Shouldn't the "one" just be a person you are willing to spend time with, because whatever happens, you will be happy? Or is this a shallow view that nobody else looks upon as a relationship anymore?
Maybe I'll never know, or find my idea of that "one". But I'll definitely search hard, because if there is anything to be appreciated in this world, it's only the fact that humans can still find the courage to love each other.
It's probably just the sensitive genes coming out again, but I'm overthinking. You probably won't see this, and I won't say it to your face because I don't want to seem desperate or anything, but I feel like you're distancing yourself from me. Maybe you're busy or just want to give some space... please let it be temporary :(
Not accusing you of anything of course, but you should be aware by now that to me (and some other people), of all the things anybody can do to hurt someone, it's to abandon the person in their time of need.
5/5/2013.
I'm sorry. Life just screams at me to stop everything and let go but I. Just. Can't.
I don't understand how I make things so difficult for myself either.
