Just got chased out of history class (I wanted to be chased out anyway, so I could do math) and I'm apparently supposed to be doing a history essay, but I'm in such a fascinatingly stonetastic mode today that I won't bother.

Did more stupid things yesterday night, probably incurred even more problems. But I can hardly find the energy to care anymore, because people just take things for granted.

For the record, I really think that I'm one of the nicest people around. I value all my friends in one way or another, many of whom I won't hesitate to throw my life away (its a sum game of "my life is worth nuts" and "they're people I value"). But it's when you realise that people don't think along these lines that shit can get real.

I made a promise after BT1 and BBI that I would focus my efforts on my studies and try and rescue everything I left behind. But the flood of academic failure, immense workload, expectations, promises, emotions is adding up to a life crisis I would've thought unimaginable until I grew older. I'm slowly sinking back into my mentality before JC, that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just stumbling along in hopes of everything working out.

I don't like crying and I hardly am able to bring out tears. When I'm sad, I feel dry and drained. How do you cry and "let go" when you have no energy left to do so?

Anyhow, a hearty congratulations to those who managed to land me in this state over the past year and a half. I sincerely hold no grudge of any sort nor blame people anything, because everything is genuinely my problem - but this has made me understand that I cannot rely on friends the way I want to. It's not going to be a life lesson thou - just another factor that will add on to my already numerous woes with regard to humanity.

I once had two friends who were together. They seemed like the epitome of friendship and love, always together, looking out for each other, sharing their time, laughing, comforting each other, everything you would expect soulmates to do.

Now, it looks like they're going to break up soon.

Life is such a tragic thing. Even the beautiful things in life one day fade away and leave behind an empty, dark shell, devoid of the happiness that once filled it. To be honest, I've seen enough of this myself to know that it's not unusual, but it saddens me so much. On a personal level, the fact that they may not make it is even more damaging to me, since I haven't even gone as far as where they have been and I already feel hurt.

Is this how love is like?

Maybe people quote "sacrifice" "commitment" amongst other things, but I question these ideas now. It seems all so superficial to expect a form of giving in something a simple as happiness in the presence of others. Shouldn't the "one" just be a person you are willing to spend time with, because whatever happens, you will be happy? Or is this a shallow view that nobody else looks upon as a relationship anymore?

Maybe I'll never know, or find my idea of that "one". But I'll definitely search hard, because if there is anything to be appreciated in this world, it's only the fact that humans can still find the courage to love each other.

It's probably just the sensitive genes coming out again, but I'm overthinking. You probably won't see this, and I won't say it to your face because I don't want to seem desperate or anything, but I feel like you're distancing yourself from me. Maybe you're busy or just want to give some space... please let it be temporary :(

Not accusing you of anything of course, but you should be aware by now that to me (and some other people), of all the things anybody can do to hurt someone, it's to abandon the person in their time of need.

5/5/2013.

I'm sorry. Life just screams at me to stop everything and let go but I. Just. Can't.

I don't understand how I make things so difficult for myself either.

Fell into my own abyssal trap again. No amount of stupidity could go this far; I'm starting to think I really am hopeless in handling my emotions. I just can't be with a person who seems to understand me without wanting to throw everything I have at that person.


I can't afford to lose anything else. I've lost my family, my confidence, my heart. The only thing left are my friends, and I'm gradually losing those too.



I managed to turn myself away from everything for so long; ignore all the pain; bandage all my bleeding wounds; be myself in a different way. I can't risk anymore of my heart, it's battered, blue and nearly dead. But is it worth revealing the last of this heart, in the hopes I could get it healed? Is it worth showing how much I truly care?

Is it because you're different from the rest? I never had a person willing to look past who I seem to be on the outside, ignore my mistakes, heck, I haven't had somebody who could make me feel guilty about how I treat my mum before. Maybe you don't see things the way I do, but I still really appreciate how you're willing to talk to me. And you're somebody I can look at in the eyes without feeling down, without feeling pointless and looked down on.

How much could go wrong if I make a wrong decision? What am I fighting for? A person? Love? Happiness?



I can't hold back my tears. After these years, maybe nobody will ever see how close I am to the edge. There's too much at stake; but too little to show for it.
Tell me what should I do? I'm at a loss. I could go on with my own facade and pretend everything is fine. I've been doing it all this time anyway. After all, what's another part of my soul compared to the happiness of others, which has all this time been my highest priority?




















I'm no noble Dumbledore. I won't recover from any more bad choices.